September 23, 2009. Wednesday. Day 73.

Morning.

It's almost 1 am. My last night at my parents' home. The house is quiet, everyone's asleep. Even Charlie's sleeping on the floor of the dining room. He makes funny noises in his dreams :). You can hear the crickets and night noises outside.

Evening.

Emily and I are on the train, headed West. It's about 9pm EST. I had chips for dinner. Nutritious, huh? I got a text from Courtney, that she's in the hospital. She said it's nothing too serious - maybe a swollen kidney. Lord, please keep her in your arms and protect her, heal her. We should arrive tomorrow morning in South Bend at about 8am.

September 15, 2009. Tuesday. Day 65.

It's about 2:10pm and I'm on my first Amtrak train ride. It's not too bad. It's like driving, except you don't have to stop to visit Mrs. Murphy. One thing I do think is really neat is that you get to see the countryside without any roads in the view. I've never experienced that before. If I wanted to get somewhere, I usually have needed a road to do it. We're in Illinois right now. Even though it looks a lot like Indiana, it doesn't feel like it.

September 8, 2009. Day 58.

It's about 9:30pm in Des Moines. Dan's in bed, because he has a 12 hour shift tomorrow in Ottumwa. I'm still winding down. So I'm taking a bath :) . (I love baths!)

Saturday, a woman came to look at the house. She brought her parents Sunday. And Monday morning - a holiday, we had an offer! Amazing. God is amazing and His timing is always perfect.

I was going to write about "home" tonight ... but I think I want to tackle something else first - my journal writing in general. I am the only person I know that keeps a journal. Maybe besides my Grampy, who I've known to take notes in church and write memoirs. But I don't know if he still journals? I don't even journal every day - just when I make time for it or am thinking about it. I kind of have cycles, you know? There are seasons when I'm determined to write every single day. Then it gets monotonous - or something - and I revert back to "sometimes is better than no times".

It drives me crazy if I write in multiple places. Because then I lose things. My favorite, most fulfilling journaling moments are when I refuse to write anywhere else but in one place - at least until it's full.

My mom says I write with my heart on my sleeve - both in my journals and online. When she first told me that, I thought, "Really? Did I embarrass you?" Is it wrong to allow people to see how you're really feeling? What you really struggle with? It would be great, maybe, to always be optimistic. But is that real? Would you ever really scratch deeper than the surface?

I often times forget that anyone might ever read what I write. OK, maybe that's two fold - I do write, hoping that someday someone will appreciate them and treasure them. For example, when I die someday, will my grieving family find them, read them and be somewhat comforted? Or maybe a relative of mine several generations down the line might find them (the journals) in the attic and get to know that crazy relative from the 20th/21st century. But at the same time - it shocks me to hear when someone has read my thoughts (this usually only happens with my blog). I guess secretly, I'm afraid that once I'm gone, they will have little to no meaning to anyone else. Rather than be lovingly, carefully stored for future generations in an old trunk in the attic - someone may decide they're a waste of space and throw them all out.

So, I guess ultimately, why do I write then? For perspective. To get stuff off my chest and off my mind. To look back at my journey and see how God's changing me. Seriously, to be reminded of His goodness and all that He's done for me and continues to do. To reflect. To be thankful. To learn more about myself. To gauge who I am today and chart a course for who God is making me to be in the future. Really - it's therapy for me :). Without it, sometimes I feel like I could lose my mind.

And then there's always the struggle between: do I continue to handwrite in a journal or do I succumb to being drawn towards journaling on the computer. Sure, I can type pretty fast, get thoughts down essentially as I think them. And you can still find me in there. It's clearer, too, usually. But isn't there something about your own handwriting that screams you? Maybe 50 years from now, 100 years from now, no one will use pen and paper anymore. But it will also be digital. I don't know. But I definitely feel like my generation is at that crossroads.

I will continue to write, whether traditionally or in the way of the future :). If not for my family, then for myself. I want to be a better woman and how can I be if I'm not taking hard looks at myself often and seeking to be more like Christ? Because He's all that's worth emulating.

Lord, I give you permission to use my journaling to change me and to make me a better woman, wife, mom, friend.

In Jesus' name,

Amen!

September 5, 2009. Day 55.

It's 10:00pm in Iowa. I'm sitting in our family room, on our love seat. Dan is on the couch, using the computer. The TV is on Mythbusters. I'm approaching 10 weeks pregnant. I've been having some tiny pangs in my pelvic area on the right side. It finally hit me that I've had to visit Mrs. Murphy for about an hour and THAT's probably why I feel pangs. But I went to visit Mrs. Murphy, and I'm still having them. Lord, I trust You with it! Please let the baby continue to grow healthy and strong. As I'm entering this time of journaling, I am somewhat excited. I usually learn quite a bit about myself through journaling. So what question do I have on my mind right now? Maybe "am I really fully trusting God"? I think I am.

September 4, 2009. Day 54.

It's my mom and dad's anniversary. They were married on September 4, 1976.

September 2, 2009. Day 52.

It is 2am and I'm still awake. I am tired, but I have a million things racing through my head. For example, I started looking at sites, while in bed, about portraits. I'm thinking of getting a pro one done each month through the pregnancy. And then I thought - well, why don't I just do it myself? So I started searching for a suitable remote on Ebay and found one for $36.99! Yay! I was starting to think about sleep when I opened up my pregnancy calendar. And I flipped to the names section. And I started thinking about how much Dan really likes the name Ioan - the welsh form of John (which also makes me think of Cheryl, because of Horatio Hornblower).

On Going Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

You are 28 days old today. Sort of :). Today is a big day for you, because it's the day you begin to grow arms. Just think what you'll do with those arms. Pick things up, gather things, and hug me and dad :). I can't wait to hold you, hug you and snuggle with you.

Now you are 40 days old. And today, you begin to reflexively move. How neat! To think that you are now moving inside of me is amazing. I can't wait until I can feel it. But that's months away.

And today, you are 48 days old. It's Grampy's 51st birthday today, too. Your dad and I went to Applebee's for lunch and we plan on spending this Saturday relaxing. You were 46 days old a few days ago - on my 25th birthday. I got to "see" you on an ultrasound! It was one of the neatest things ever. I could have cried, watching your heart beat. I am so thankful I got to see that. It will holdme over until my next ultrasound at 18-19 weeks :). You looked like a little ninja turtle :).

You're growing fast. 58 days old today. I'm taking a train next week with my cousin Emily to visit your Grammy and Grampy in Maryland. I'm nervous, because there is a flu going around called the "H1N1" and a few pregnant women have passed away from it. But you're worth it! God will protect us. You'll see. He's got the whole world in His hands ;).

Well, you and I have made it through the first trimester! You don't know it yet, but that's a pretty big deal. I can't help but think of everything in the future we'll make it through together. No matter what comes our way - it will pass and it will make our family stronger. We love you so much and we will always be here for you. If you ever need us, here we are. You can count on that.

August 28, 2009. Day 47.

I got to see my baby yesterday! I had my first appointment on my birthday. The clinic called my cell at about 9:30 am and asked me all the standard questions - birthdate, address, phone numbers, etc. They also asked what symptoms I've had. Among them, I mentioned that since knowing I've been pregnant, I've had a lot of pelvic pressure. So, they scheduled me to come in early for a vaginal ultrasound. That went fantastic. So did the Dr visit. I really like Dr. Dawn. The baby's heart beat was 171 bpm. And the baby is 1.3 cm long ... I think that's what it said.

August 25, 2009. Day 44. 1:00 am.

Dan is in Ottumwa and I'm home alone. I was asleep, but I woke up when he called to say goodnight. I haven't been able to get back to sleep since. I'm just uncomfortable. You know, one of the most unpleasant things to happen in my sleep so far is vomiting. Not a lot, but enough to wake me up and gross me out. It's only happened twice so far - once was tonight. Yuck.

I'm watching Roseanne. It cracks me up. I don't know, I just relate to it so much. And it cracks me up.

Earlier today, I saw a faint pink on my wipe. Ugh. The thought that ran through my mind was, "here we go". But, I haven't seen anything since. My trust is in God. I think Dan was most encouraging to me. He reminded me that we can get through anything and if something happens, it will be OK. We'll try again and we just need to trust God. I'm clinging to God's voice I heard last week that reassured me that all will be fine. Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness. Please protect this baby and allow it to grow healthy and strong. AMEN.

August 22, 2009
Day 41

As excited as I am for the baby to arrive, I treasure every day. I've been pregnant for 41 days now. It's not very long.

A Quiet Talk with God

August 21, 2009
Day 40

I'm finally starting to feel gross. I constantly have pressure in my pelvic area. My book says it's because my uterus is stretching. I got my second baby update out today. My next one will be after my 1st appointment. I can't believe it'll be here in less than 1 week! This is really going by fast. After next week, there'll only be about 4 more weeks until the end of my first trimester! I still struggle with being worried something will go wrong, but it's neat how I feel better after reading the Bible.

I listened for God tonight, and He spoke to my heart. I believe He encouraged me to trust Him. It was as though He said that everything will be fine and that we will have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Yes, that's right. I know it sounds crazy. But I trust it was His voice. I know the voice of my Father. I'm also reminded that this is His child adn that He controls life. Praise the Lord! That is precisly the encouragement I've needed to hear, especially since I've been such a worry wort. I feel as though I can once again relax, enjoy my pregnancy and fully trust in Him. Abba, I believe I heard You tonight. And I trust You. Thank you for Your love and goodness! Thank You for speaking to my heart. Even if something chagnes, I trust You. Praise You, Lord!!

Ottumwa Begins

August 13, 2009
Thursday. Day 32.

Dan is working in Ottumwa now. Today and tomorrow, he's working for 5 1/2 hours. So I came along and we're spending the night in the Super8. You know, I've really been quite happy with the Super8s we've stayed in.

Heading Home

August 9, 2009
Sunday. Day 28.

We are driving back home today. The van is packed with all of Thomas' belongings.

Trip to Texas

August 8, 2009
Saturday

Well, tomorrow is Uncle Carl's birthday. 21st birthday. It's also the day that the baby's arms first start to bud out. 2 days later, the legs will appear. But more on tomorrow later.

Today, Thomas graduated from CCM and the Honor Academy. We are so proud of him! We got into town on Thursday and ate dinner at Mercados. The next day, we ate lunch at Mercados with Liz and her family. That evening was the Gala. Lots of fun. Finally, today we ate breakfast at the Cracker Barrel with all of Thomas' friends, attended the graduation ceremony, ate dinner at KFC and attended a dessert time for CCM in the auditorium. This trip was really the first time that I used the baby as an excuse... "Let's hurry up, the baby's hungry!" ... "Don't touch that chocolate cake; the baby already saw it!" Funny :)

The graduation speaker talked for a long time. What I got out of it is that Jesus didn't just come to die (which would have been meaningless without the resurrection), but He came to give us power.

Doug Rittenhouse was also really good. I actually feel like I took away a lot from him. Get a degree in anything. Worship God in all that you do. When I'm taking pictures - worship. While editing - worship. Let work and worship intermingle. But always have family time. Become an expert at what you do. Repetition. Repitition. Go where the jobs are. He was quite inspiring. I kept thinking I should write him an email or something, as encouragement.

I got to see campus again, and that was great. But it's somehow different without anyone I know from 2002-2003. I saw Bob again. That's it. He was a January in 2002. But I recognized few else: Dave Hasz, Jon Hasz, Ron Luce, Heath Stoner. Is that it? Well, all in all, it's been a wonderful, successful weekend. I'm glad I came.

Letter to Baby

July 31, 2009
Friday

Most everyone now know you exist. I find myself constantly asking your dad to pray over you and I find myself frequently visiting Mr.s Murphy to reassure myself there's no spotting. I think one of the biggest lessons I'll be learning throughout this journey is that I don't have control. And I need to completely trust you over to God. You are His precious child and He loves you even more than I do. Lord! I trust You with my baby!

The Day I Found Out

July 27, 2009
Monday

One month before my 25th birthday. I just got back from youth camp on Saturday. Today I felt incredibly tired. Dan woke up and left for work in Des Moines (the Drake Store) at 11 am. I had a short list of things to do today:

• laundry
• get a Bible study
• clean up the house

Ultimately, I saw it as my day to recover from camp.

I was getting ready to leave the house, not even showered, when I remembered I needed to send camp pictures to BCI. I uploaded them and in 4 emails, sent them to Richard Nations.

With that done, I left for Wellspring Christian Bookstore on Hickman Road in Des Moines. I get 21% off there. I bought a Bible study and a $4.99 New Testament. From there there, I headed to the Jordan Creek Mall to enjoy some Bourbon Chicken and Fried Rice while diving into my Bible study. I got my food, but I couldn't concentrate on my study. I thought, "OK, I'll use the restroom and head home - maybe I'll be better able to concentrate".

I was so tired. I thought that throughout the whole drive back to Des Moines. I was SO tired. I had played with the idea of getting an EPT - but I always did that. Every month for the past 3 years was THE month.

On the way home, I stopped at the Walgreens at Beaver and Douglas. I bought bubble bath and face wash besides the EPT, thinking it would be nice to pamper myself a bit. While driving back to the house, I recorded my thoughts on an app on my iPhone. I must say, I was skeptical. I'll try and make a transcript, just incase anything were to happen to it. I drove straight home, exhausted. I planned on taking a bath and starting my Bible study. I started the water, undressed and took the EPT. I was trying not to stare at it and started to focus on my book. But when it fully developed, there it was: pregnant.

My first thought in those first moment was, "Holy crap - THIS is it. This really is it. And in 9 months, we're going to have a baby in our lives!" My emotions just kind of took over at that point, and I started crying. I was crying, screaming, jumping up and down and thanking God. Immediately, I raced to my phone and called ... my mom! But no one answered. So I called Dan at work. I was still crying, of course, and I told him that I took a test and it says I'm pregnant. His response was, "really??", with a laugh in his voice. Then I told him, "if this is false - I will be SO mad". He had to get back to work, so I hung up with him and called my dad. He couldn't hear me very well because he was on the train. But he thought I was trying to tell him that I failed a test (I've been studying to take the Professional Photographer's of America certification test). We had to hang up and call again, because he couldn't hear me. So when I told him that the test was positive he said, "so..... are you trying to tell me you're pregnant?"